Healing and Suffering

I have been thinking a lot lately about the role that suffering plays in my life. As I look back over the last ten years and more, I see a definite pattern. I see seasons of pain and suffering interspersed with seasons of calm and quiet. Hand in hand with that, I see seasons of growth and seasons of rest. The times of growth directly correlate with the times of pain and suffering. I am often reminded of the song refiner’s fire. It really strikes a chord in my heart. My heart’s one desire IS to be close to you, Lord. With out those times of heartache and trial, I don’t know that I would have that closeness that I so often find myself looking for.

I find that when I am living in a season of rest, I become complacent. I have no driving urge to seek God’s company. I have nothing (or very little) to push me to seek him and to rely on His strength to sustain me. Why should I? In those times, my life is at peace. Why put in the extra work if things are comfortably gliding along? Until fairly recently, it has only been during the times of crisis that I have felt God, heard God, and reached out my hand to Him. All other times, I have let Him fade into the background of my consciousness while I live my life on my terms. It’s as though he is my secret weapon to be pulled out in case of emergency.

As I reflect on these patterns, I feel a certain sense of guilt. I don’t think this is how a relationship is supposed to work. I have been in these sorts of one-sided deals and they breed nothing but frustration, anger and resentment. I know this and yet I live this way. It’s as though I cannot reconcile my emotional and my intellectual selves.

Anyway, back to my main point. I look back and I recognize that I have been given a gift in my sufferings. I can look back at each of those moments and see multiple blessings that came out of them. Things that I never in my wildest dreams would have considered to be a byproduct of some of my experiences, and yet God brought those blessings out of those moments. My point is that without that suffering, I would very likely have missed out on those blessings. I am not saying that we should seek out trouble or that God only blesses us through our problems. But I do believe that God allows life to function.

Healing can come in many forms and to expect it to take a shape that we have conjured up is to deny the sovereignty of God. Perhaps healing for me will be emotional – I will learn to live my life in the way that God wishes for me to. Maybe it will be a healing of my mind – I have already spent more time in reflection and in writing than I have in the last several years combined. I know that God has this plan for me and yet I repeatedly struggle to embrace it. Perhaps this healing that everyone is praying for and talking about is not my healing, but a healing of others that God can bring about through me.