Crazy Awesome Road Trips Are Crazy AND Awesome!

Okay, so I'm going to just start this off with an apology. It's way late, I'm off half my meds at the moment, and I'm totally wiped out from dealing with conniving kids, exploding toilets, and scheming poodles. And instead of going to bed, I've written this blog post. I think it's hilarious! I'm hoping I don't wake up in the morning and reread this and end up shaking my head, getting that look on my face that my kids say is my, "I really expected more of you, you big dork" face.  I say that affectionately, of course. Anyway, my very muddled point is: I'm sorry if you don't like this blog post. If reading it makes you feel like I've stomped on your dreams and expectations, then I am mostly sorry. Actually, I mostly think you need to lighten up. But I'm still sorry. A teeny, tiny little bit sorry. Or not. Whatever. It's very late.

This is where it all started. Laying in bed, thinking about the four day weekend ahead of us. I'm pretty sure it wasn't my idea to go popping down to Portland for the weekend. Because there is no way on God's green earth I'd go and suggest something like that. Nope.

This is what happens when The Doctor isn't here to boot kids out of the bed. Tater is actually in there, too, under the owl stuffie, next to the dog. It's just a little bit cozy. 

So a lot of crazy happened on our little road trip, but a lot of awesome happened, too. As usual. 

Crazy awesome? Awesomely crazy? We may have a new family motto here!

Here's a few of the Crazy Awesome things that happened this weekend.

Awesome Thing #1: LJS

I recently discovered my own little bit of culinary heaven is now in the Northwest! LJS is here! Close to me! Now I can clog up my arteries whenever I want! All my childhood dreams are finally coming true! Now, I just need to figure out how I'm getting a pony into the shed, and life will be complete.

(And for those of you who turn up your noses at seeing the words culinary and LJS in the same paragraph, I would like to say that I don't go stomping on your childhood dreams, so back off.) 

(That may or may not be directed at The Doctor.)

They speak chicken, too. They also speak hushpuppy, but that's a lot more challenging to translate.

This kid even make straws look cool.

Little sibs are SO embarrassing, so the Big Guy
pulls the 'I do not know these people' routine.

This stuff is like deep fried chicken crack. Not that I know anything about crack, chicken or otherwise. But from what I hear crack is supposed to be like, this stuff might be it. For the first four of five strips. Then, it just starts to go all wrong. Very, very wrong. Those first four pieces are like sitting in the Ice Queen's sled, nomming on Turkish Delight, and then, suddenly, it turns into chicken flavored lard nuggets. Very, very wrong. 

Awesome #2: Cheap hotels

Getting a hotel in a major tourist area: Super Expensive! Getting a hotel just outside of a major tourist area: Super cheap! Firstly, I am all about spending as little as possible. Secondly, if I am going to spend a lot of a fancy hotel room, it isn't going to be one I'm sharing with three kids and a dog. 

(Cue commercial)

One of my favorite hotel chains is Phoenix Inn Suites, and for a good reason. They've been reliably clean, friendly, accommodating, and reasonably priced. In this case, it was actually cheaper than if we'd camped, not to mention significantly warmer. They're also pet friendly, though Mal certainly doesn't consider himself "a pet".

(End commercial)

Five minutes in the room, and he's already
King of the Counter.

Two minutes in the room, and they've already
got the TV on, and their stuff thrown everywhere.

Awesome #3: Everything in the hotel room

The following is an excerpt from our first ten minutes in the room: "WHAT?! Check this out! Guys, guys, look! There are drawers in here! Like, for clothes and stuff! Ooooo! Ooo! And a little fridge! Aaaa! It really works! Feel it! Feel it! It's COLD in there! Ha ha ha! Oh oh oh! Look! What IS that thing?! Is that a... a hairdryer?! WOW! Oh my gosh! Loooook! TWO SINKS! Ah ha ha ha ha! Look how those hangers don't come off the rack!!!! Look at all those towels!!!!!!!!!!!..."

Best ten minutes ever. Also, my kids should probably get out more.

Awesome #4: Cable 

After the screamfest, they opened the entertainment center and discovered the television. And, the remote. Also known as the magical passport to happy, happy, cable land. 

And then, the room got very, very quiet.

Awesome #I lost count: Pool

There is a pool! It might be small, it might be noisy, it might be shallow, and there might possibly even be ice forming on the surface (my personal opinion after dipping a toe), but if they can swim in it, they're thrilled.

Getting them to hold still...

is nearly impossible.

Awesome #something: Friends!

Some of our best buddies came along. I thought "spontaneous" meant getting this little trip planned and sorted in twenty-four hours. Nope. Spontaneous is hearing that your friends are driving to Portland in an hour, racing home to throw stuff in the car, stopping at the mattress store to buy a new mattress, taking the mattress home and installing it, and then driving down to Portland. And, arriving shortly after we did. 

(Show offs.) 

They had the entire thing to themselves, and somehow still managed to "accidentally" soak me with all the splashing. 

Nothing builds strong muscles like a good aquatic workout!

Their lips turned blue, and we still had to drag them out.

Awesome #whatever: bookworms

All that cable TV, and this is what I open the door to find.

Awesome #dunno: Breffy

Phoenix Inns have awesome breakfast buffets. The waffle maker was particularly thrilling. So thrilling, in fact, that the hotel staff finally banned a certain girl from using it. They also have an awesome floor show for your entertainment. Wait, that was just us...

This is waffle #5.

When the circus comes to town, we stay at
Phoenix Inn Suites!

Awesome #I give up. It was all awesome.: Powell's and Voodoo Donuts.

Our friends had never been to Powell's. Neither had my kids. This was the sad state of affairs that needed to be set right. After explaining the megalith that is Powell's City of Books, they all got a little glassy-eyed. Tater whispered that she'd like to live at Powell's. I would, too. 

There is no photographic evidence of our time at Powell's due to the fact that keeping tabs on six kids, especially these particular six kids, required all of my hands, eyes, ears, and mom-dar (Mom Radar: Keeping track of kids since Genesis 4.)

Several stacks of books, a Firefly sticker, and a set of zombie family car decals later, we escaped Powell's and headed off to the kids' most eagerly anticipated bit of the trip... Voodoo Donuts. 

The extra one was for The Doctor. But I ate it. Also, they tasted better than they looked. 

We make waiting in line look good. Even when we're waiting in line for forty-five minutes, and the kids are getting a sugar buzz just breathing the donut fumes coming out of the door.  

Crazy Awesome: Being back in our own neighborhood. Finally. Only 537 "Are we there yet?"s later.

Big Guy's mad panorama photo skilz.

Things They Don't Tell You

Before I gave birth to my first kid, I spent eight months and three days reading about every possible thing I could expect while I was expecting. After kid number one popped out, I spent the next three years reading about what to expect for each moment, stage, and season of his life.

A book so good,
they made it into a movie that was,
unfortunately, not any good.

Then, I had kid number two. I still pulled out those books, with their dogeared and missing pages. I had whole paragraphs memorized; entire chapters committed to memory. I still put the sign on the front door, "DO NOT RING BELL! BABY SLEEPING!" I still tossed food that had fallen on the floor so they wouldn't be contaminated, or worse... eat dirt! I bathed them regularly, and put them in clean clothes at least once a day.

And then, along came number three.

Kid number three learned to sleep in spite of the roar of the vacuum (a sound she rarely heard anyway), in spite of the slamming of doors, and in spite of the many disturbing and varied sounds her brothers made (who knew fart sounds could lull a baby to sleep?) Kid three was never actually in the same room as a What to Expect book, since by the time she could lift her head, those books had been relegated to the donation pile. 

I didn't need those books with kid three. I'd lived those books.

But now we're moving back into the unknown. 

I'm suddenly wishing I had a What to Expect When You're Expecting Puberty. I'd pay good money for that. There'd be chapters like:

• Sarcasm and Snark: Includes answers to questions like ‘Could his face actually freeze like that?’ and ‘Could she strain something with the constant eye rolling?’

•  Just how many Os can he fit between two Ms? Studies show a direct correlation between the level of preteen annoyance and the number of those Os. (Ex. Mooooom = You didn't put enough Cheetos in my lunch vs. Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! = Don't ever make eye contact with me in public again!)

• Just Who Is This ‘Everyone’ (and Why Do They Get To Do Whatever They Want?): Includes ideas for keeping your kid from jumping off cliffs, bridges, and other high objects.

• How To Trick Your Kid Into the Shower

• How To Drag Your Kid Out of the Shower 

• How To Sneak Deodorant Onto Your Kid

• How To Prevent Tooth Rot, Scurvy, and Greasy Hair Syndrome 

• The Best Hiding Spots for Electronic Devices

• How To Unlock Your Electronic Devices When Your Kid Pranks You by Locking Them

• How to Safely Drag Your Preteen Out of Bed Without Getting a Hernia

• Preteen or Swarm of Locusts: Where Did All the Food Go?

Enjoy fresh fruit?
You never will again once these locusts kids invade your kitchen! 




• Sex and Your Preteen: How to get them to stop telling body humor jokes and giggling incessantly once and for all. 

• How To Handle the Tough Questions: Deals with issues like ‘Why don’t I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want? Everyone else does?’ and ‘What do you mean you aren’t buying me a sports car when I turn 16?' and 'Why can't I have a snack? You haven't fed me in fifteen whole minutes!'

  

No cheapy junior meals for this kid.
We're into the full-on grown-up menu now.

• Money Trees, Curfew Keepers, and Other Fantastical Fairytales to Help You Go To Sleep at Night

• Weather Forecasting and Your Child: The similarities between accurately predicting the weather and accurately predicting your child’s moods (Hint: They have pretty much the same accuracy rate, i.e. not remotely accurate most of the time.)
• Bonus chapter: Which Weather Phenomenon is Your Preteen Most Like? with Tornado, Tsunami, Monsoon, and a whole host of other apocalyptic events from which to choose!

Good money, people. 

You gotta pay to look this cool, folks.

It's tough being this awesome.