Things They Don't Tell You

Before I gave birth to my first kid, I spent eight months and three days reading about every possible thing I could expect while I was expecting. After kid number one popped out, I spent the next three years reading about what to expect for each moment, stage, and season of his life.

A book so good,
they made it into a movie that was,
unfortunately, not any good.

Then, I had kid number two. I still pulled out those books, with their dogeared and missing pages. I had whole paragraphs memorized; entire chapters committed to memory. I still put the sign on the front door, "DO NOT RING BELL! BABY SLEEPING!" I still tossed food that had fallen on the floor so they wouldn't be contaminated, or worse... eat dirt! I bathed them regularly, and put them in clean clothes at least once a day.

And then, along came number three.

Kid number three learned to sleep in spite of the roar of the vacuum (a sound she rarely heard anyway), in spite of the slamming of doors, and in spite of the many disturbing and varied sounds her brothers made (who knew fart sounds could lull a baby to sleep?) Kid three was never actually in the same room as a What to Expect book, since by the time she could lift her head, those books had been relegated to the donation pile. 

I didn't need those books with kid three. I'd lived those books.

But now we're moving back into the unknown. 

I'm suddenly wishing I had a What to Expect When You're Expecting Puberty. I'd pay good money for that. There'd be chapters like:

• Sarcasm and Snark: Includes answers to questions like ‘Could his face actually freeze like that?’ and ‘Could she strain something with the constant eye rolling?’

•  Just how many Os can he fit between two Ms? Studies show a direct correlation between the level of preteen annoyance and the number of those Os. (Ex. Mooooom = You didn't put enough Cheetos in my lunch vs. Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! = Don't ever make eye contact with me in public again!)

• Just Who Is This ‘Everyone’ (and Why Do They Get To Do Whatever They Want?): Includes ideas for keeping your kid from jumping off cliffs, bridges, and other high objects.

• How To Trick Your Kid Into the Shower

• How To Drag Your Kid Out of the Shower 

• How To Sneak Deodorant Onto Your Kid

• How To Prevent Tooth Rot, Scurvy, and Greasy Hair Syndrome 

• The Best Hiding Spots for Electronic Devices

• How To Unlock Your Electronic Devices When Your Kid Pranks You by Locking Them

• How to Safely Drag Your Preteen Out of Bed Without Getting a Hernia

• Preteen or Swarm of Locusts: Where Did All the Food Go?

Enjoy fresh fruit?
You never will again once these locusts kids invade your kitchen! 




• Sex and Your Preteen: How to get them to stop telling body humor jokes and giggling incessantly once and for all. 

• How To Handle the Tough Questions: Deals with issues like ‘Why don’t I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want? Everyone else does?’ and ‘What do you mean you aren’t buying me a sports car when I turn 16?' and 'Why can't I have a snack? You haven't fed me in fifteen whole minutes!'

  

No cheapy junior meals for this kid.
We're into the full-on grown-up menu now.

• Money Trees, Curfew Keepers, and Other Fantastical Fairytales to Help You Go To Sleep at Night

• Weather Forecasting and Your Child: The similarities between accurately predicting the weather and accurately predicting your child’s moods (Hint: They have pretty much the same accuracy rate, i.e. not remotely accurate most of the time.)
• Bonus chapter: Which Weather Phenomenon is Your Preteen Most Like? with Tornado, Tsunami, Monsoon, and a whole host of other apocalyptic events from which to choose!

Good money, people. 

You gotta pay to look this cool, folks.

It's tough being this awesome.