Things I Said To My Kids This Week (It's Monday)

1. We will NOT be hitting people with hammers today, even Thor's hammer. Put that down.

2. Please stop wolf whistling at strangers.

3. Put the Sharpies down now.

4. Boys, put my lipstick away and stop leaving lipstick kisses on my stuff.

5. Do not eat raw hamburger. I'm not taking anyone to the ER today.

6. It's freezing and raining outside, so no, you cannot go out in your underpants. At least put some socks on.

7. Please do not feed egg shells/M&Ms/your dinner/puzzle pieces/gum/dirt/sticks/rocks/Legos/my lipstick to the dog.

8. Please put my credit card back in my purse. We're not ordering life-sized Angry Bird robots from Amazon.

9. Put the Sharpies down now.

10. Please stop chasing that. It's a rat, and if you catch it, it will not be our new pet.

11. No, you cannot try my medication.

12. No, taking your brother's medication when you don't need it will not give you any special powers. So don't even think about it.

13. Stop making Lego voodoo dolls of your brother and then decapitating them. It's just rude.

14. Put the Sharpies down now.

15. Give me back my car keys. I know you think you can, but you're really not ready to drive. Even with the dog's help.

16. Please don't throw things off the highway overpass. I don't want to get arrested.

17. You were not adopted, so please stop telling people you were.

18. Please stop shrieking nonsense words at the top of your lungs into the wall. We like our neighbors, and I don't want them calling the cops.

19. You cannot wear my bra outside as part of your superhero costume.

20. Put down the butcher knife.

21. Stop telling people how much I weigh.

22. Stop telling people how old I am, and that you think I look way older.

23. Stop jiggling my wobbly bits and then shrieking with laughter. You guys are the ones that put them there in the first place.

24. The next person who screams will be... You know what? Just stop with the screaming.

25. Please don't throw armfuls of underwear at the neighbors. I know they're clean, but it's just weird.

26. Wow. You guys are the best kids ever, and I'm really glad you're mine.

27. Please stop drawing on yourself/the dog/the table/my things/your brothers' stuff with that Sharpie.