I don't think I have anything earth shattering to write about today. Not that any of my other writing falls under the heading of earth shattering, or even earth hairline fracturing. I am laying on my bed, feet propped high on The Doctor's pillows, blanket from my Pier 1 days tucked up under my chin and my favorite natty old sweater keeping me warm. I have a book, a coke, and my laptop and the promise of dinner brought in on a tray. Can my evening get any better?

Big Guy has come in to do his homework at my desk. He normally does it at the dining table, but he has been increasingly intolerant of his siblings lately, and he needs someplace more quiet to work. Someplace where Weird Al isn't blasting on the CD player.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that fact that Big Guy is a second grader. I don't remember much before second grade, but from then on, hoo-boy! I am still best friends with the gals I met in second grade.

He does have his own room, complete with a snazzy little red desk, lamp, chair, and fuzzy throw rug, but he seldom spends time there and he never does his homework there. Life a catch-22 for him. He wants to be near people, but more and more often, he cannot stand to be near people. I struggle with parenting him as well. It is so easy to get frustrated or exasperated with him. He lashes out at everyone, but refuses to be anywhere else. He seems to desperately want something that he can't tolerate.

As anyone with a special needs kid knows, it is so easy to point blame at ourselves for the behaviors and personalities of our kids. Am I allowing him too much freedom? Am I being too strict? What did I do to make him like this? I question myself all the time. I guess all moms do, but I think those of us with "atypical" kids do it more.

What we have to realize though is that yes, there may be times when we do influence our kids in ways that cause bad behavior, but this is also just part of who they are. My son will always be quirky on good days and impossible on the bad days. I will still love him though. And I will still love myself. Though I may doubt my "Best mom" status three to five days out of the week, I will still tell myself that I am doing the very best job I can and that I AM a good mom.

And Big Guy is still a good son. Even on those impossible days, I wouldn't change him for the world. He will always remind me to laugh at unexpected moments, to enjoy the smallest details, to strive for perfection in the things that matter to me, and that Star Wars is really, really awesome. He will always be a little bit outside the pack, but he will always be part of my pack.