So here I am after a week of feeling relatively back to normal, and I am starting the cycle all over again. I have spent the last four months feeling exhausted, gimpy and forgetful, not to mention frustrated and pissed off about it. Then I had a couple of weeks of feeling a little better each day and then, ta-da! A week of normal! I was actually starting to think about running again.
But then, two nights ago, I started having horrible vertigo. The next morning, I noticed I was fixating on the word pockasul. Ok, not really a real word, but Tater Tot's version of popcicle. I was chanting it over and over in my head. And I am running into things again, staggering a bit as I walk. My legs feel like they are getting heavy again.
And I am afraid.
If symptoms last more than 24 hours, they start calling it a relapse or a flair, or whatever shiny word you want to name it. Maybe it's just a fluke and I'll wake up in the morning and feel like bungy-jumping or training for a triathlon.
Or, maybe I'll wake up in the morning and not get out of bed. Maybe I'll forget what I am supposed to be doing, and maybe I'll start getting bruises from running into walls and furniture again. Maybe I'll pull my cane out of the corner and my handicap placard out of the glove box and put them on the front lines again.
As my dad always joked, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know in my head that God is faithful, but my heart despairs. How often can I do this? What if it never stops, and just goes faster and faster until it's all I remember?
If this is truly turning into a flair, I will take time and adjust. As always. But until I do make that adjustment, until I am fine, I am not.
So since no one ever actually leaves a comment, I am not really sure if anyone reads anything I write. That would be depressing if I were writing for people to read what I wrote, but maybe I am just writing to write what I want to write, right?
ReplyDeleteI thought I'd leave myself a little comment here to make my day.
Dear Tracey, I read what you wrote. You are such a goof ball. Someday, though, when you are rich and famous, I hope you'll still remember me and give me lots of money and presents. So get busy and get rich and famous already!
Dear Tracey,
ReplyDeleteI just had the privilege to read your blog again, and it reminds me how simple life really is. We often make it so complicated with a mile-long to-do list when really it is only about meeting our basic needs and the needs of those around us (husbands, kids, friends) and finding a way to praise God through the process. That can definitely be the hard part some days--we woke up this morning to find our car's bumper in our neighbor's front lawn. Still haven't found out why... It would sound really funny if it had happened to someone else. Anyway, I love you and hope to talk to you soon. Hang in there!
Love,
Melissa Springer